I Tried To Love The Day With Or Without Him

Missing, what should I say about what they call separation? After all, this is like the first lantern glows when it is still too early to face the day. I don't think that I'm fine just to agree by saying "OK". We just met. There is a hope, we are MFEO. I tried ... to love the day with or without him.

Why should I hold back from longing? He never forbade me to meet him. He had a lot of free time. I'm overwhelmed to get ready to meet him. What can I do? Miserable! Ah, write ... just write. Write anything, include this feeling.

Can I still run from the fact that the "crush" happens? I take a deep breath. I am tired. What I know is I only persevere to stay "grounded". We reached out, we just looked at each other and talked. When we moved away, I felt he was still around even though I rarely visited the place where we met.

This is an unexplained emptiness. I look at the clock ticks. I don't know how many seconds I was shocked. Maybe 57 seconds. The time isn't trying to conquer the feeling I have.

I'm not running away. I'm just trying to understand. Understand the ambiguous sentences that I often hear around, include what he ever said. The words he said were similar, but it was deeper, "You are cheerful, then fade in void."

Hopefully I don't regret it. I had delayed, then planned to ask question in this matter to him next time, "Will it be the same, my feelings towards someone who left every possibility with someone's feelings towards me that ensured all destination?"

This Is The Only ... Longing Before Meeting and Losing Before Having

We met for the first time, got to know each other and had dinner together. I chose to drink only because I wasn't hungry. We sat face to face.

I said, "Sorry that I let you wait!"

He replied, "It's okay. Not so long as I waited,"

I said later, "There are times when I have to wait. It's been a long time. Two or more years, I have to continue studying abroad. Nobody asks. I just want to,"

He asked, "Where campus will you go?"

I replied, "In Australia. Curtin University, majoring in Electrical. Still looking for opportunities also at Murdoch University, take an MBA,"

He responded, "Wow, that's good ..."

In my heart I said, "Maybe sooner I'll be asking you not to leave me first because you are living here, in this heart. Ah, why is this so difficult?"

He continued his sentence, "Take whatever is best for you! Can I leave for a while?"

I answered briefly, "Yes!"

Shortly thereafter, he was in front of the mirror, washing his hands in the sink.

He hissed slowly, "For you, that's the way it is. Something just like that,"

It's like I heard the voice, then inhale.

I murmured, "So you're not willing to light the pathway I choose. Apparently, I still have to walk alone. Even though I don't need someone to always be by my side. I just need to know that we're like-minded,"

He sat down again. It seems like he could read my anxiety or maybe he could hear my murmur even though it's not clear.

He said curtly, "I know enough about the way,"

He smiled. I forced myself to smile. We were silent for a long time.

Then I asked, "On the right side of your shirt, what does the jargon mean?"

He replied, "This? Yes, as you know, the industry where I work is so competitive. So, it needs to be distinctive. The jargon is distinctive, isn't it?"

I responded, "Hmm ... interesting!"

He chuckled. I think my cheeks blush. My hand just pointed to his right chest.

He concluded, "Whatever you take, I'm sure you can,"

I admire him. He is gorgeous and smart. His eyes are beautifully framed by thick eyebrows and minus glasses. He said goodbye, went home. I saw him leaving me, but still felt he was in front of me. Shortly thereafter, I also went home. When I got home, I couldn't close my eyes that night. I thought about him. I don't think I started it as it's best. I tried to forget it, but I couldn't.

I type a short message in a communication application, "Can we meet again?"
He replied, "Sure! Just tell me when!"

We don't make sure when. I doubt it. I remembered his words in our conversation on a dating application.

I said, "Maybe I lost something or someone before I had it, but I knew I could hold on,"
"Who's losing? What is called losing is after having."

Our chats fluttered until the first meeting arrived. I don't necessarily agree to explain the possibilities. There is a mess that happens. If he doesn't belong to me, at least I won't regret later ... that I have fallen in love.

Memories Behind Guy

                We promised to meet at an art gallery. That was June 25^th, 2016. It was two months after the heartbreak, then second months of dating. It’s Saturday afternoon. I arrived there at 16.27 PM.

                “Hey, what took you so long?” asked him.

                “Sorry to let you wait,” answered me.

                “It’s alright then. Let’s take a look around here!” said him.

                “Come on!” told me.

                We walk through the gallery hall. We then stared at a wooden sculpture. It’s really sculptured perfectly in imperfection.

                “What do you think about this sculpture?” asked him.

                “It’s great, but you’re the greatest made from heaven. This sculpture describes something alive, centennial thrown and surrealistic made,” answered me.

                He nodded his head. He said he’s not too interested in sculpture art. We continued looking around the gallery.

                “May I ask you something?” asked him, held my hand.

                “What question is it?” asked me back, smiled at him.

                “How long have you been in love with me, Khris?” asked him.

                “I’ve been in love with you since the very beginning. You asked why there isn’t anyone else in my life, and the reason … is you. –Practice Makes Perfect, Julie James-“ answered me.

                We then left. Outside the gallery’s door, I looked at my watch.

                “It’s now 17.28 PM. You might even think to do something else. You say you’re busy. You have your choices, Drew!” told me, with a little worry.

                “And I’d choose you; in hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you. –The Chaos of Stars, Kiersten White-“ responded him, hugged me.

                We hugged in front of the art gallery’s door. My cheeks were blushing when an old man passed us and entered the art gallery.

                “Let’s get out of here!” told me.

                “Yeah, sure! It seems we’re attracting anyone here,” responded him.

                We left the gallery. We arrived in a book store. We red The Passage of Love, Alex Miller and put it in a shopping basket with Marie Claire magazine. We paid them. We went out the book store then.

                “It’s so late night. Is it OK if we walk on by?” asked him.

                “Yeah, never mind!” told me.

                We, Khrisma and Andrew Adamski walked down the street holding hands. The weather was sunny in the morning, but it’s getting windy at night.

***

                Daylight came, we woke up passionately. Wake up calling. On the cellphone, he said “good morning" at 4 AM. We talked a lot about love.

*****

Great Deal Guy

                What made things simply happened? We never knew it. Those seemed so small as two hearts met. We then met. We’re out of town. We’re lovers. We made Christmas Tree was still a little decorated after Christmas. Our wishes were listed on papers.

                “I have a question to myself that I’m afraid to ask,” said I.

                “What question is it?” ask him.

                I wrote some words on a sheet of heart shaped paper, then gave it to him.

                “Do I love you? My God, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches. –The Princess Bridge, William Goldman-“ red him.

                “I guess I have to change the question. Why could this be?” asked me then.

                “Do you want to know why?” asked him back. I nodded my head. He wrote to me. I took his paper.

                “I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you. –The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho-“ red me.

                “What’s next I wrote him? He started reading it merrily.

                “I love you forever. I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my Baby … you’ll be. –Love You Forever, Robert Munsch-“ red him.

                “I couldn’t find the reason. I don’t know why, but I do,” told me.

                We held hands and hung the heart shaped papers on Christmas Tree’s twigs. Under a big spruce tree had still grown well as ever-Christmas Tree, we promised we never left to each other. I needed him.

                “Do you think it was beautiful?” asked him.

                “Yeah, uh-huh!” answered me, voiced “that wish ever”.

                “I like us doing this way. What a beautiful life!” told him.

                That was February 27^th, 2016. We, Khrisma and Jacob Blunt missed Valentine’s Day, but we had a package of wishes. We chased the bus to go back in town. We then arrived in town, but we missed the bus home. We spent the night on the street. We walked down the lane merrily, sometimes held hands.

***

                I didn’t think that was too soon to ask him to go outside at 10 AM. We’re lovers. Was that a matter? We could have fun on the weekend. I let him choose where we spent our weekend. He parked his car that brought us there on the bridge pavement.

                “Why should we stop here, on the bridge?” asked me.

                “Look! It’s great to see the river view here,” answered him.

                “What bridges us, you and me? We live miles apart,” asked me again.

                “Love bridges the distance between us, Khris!” answered him again.

                “We’re now just twelve inches space. What is still bridging us?” asked me then.

                “I guess this is it,” answered him with a nice smile.

                We stood face to face and held hands.                    

                “What’s that? Is it that other “bridge”? What should we call it?” asked me again.

                “Hmm, let’s call it French Wish!” told him.

                I nodded my head. He smiled.

                “If this woman in front of you asked how you loved her, what would you say, Jake?” asked me.

                “I loved her against reason, against promise, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be. –Great Expectation, Charles Dickens-“ told him.

                “This is the first time I come here,” told me.

                “Yeah, lucky you!” said him.

                We both liked reading books. That’s why we’re still together. He held my shoulder. People around looked at us and passed us by with smiles. I never got bored doing such things with him. We just enjoyed the moment when we’re together. We believed in our love.

*****

That’s A Bright Star

                I was busy with the picture of us, Khrisma and Brandon DuBois. He’s out of town. We just contacted to each other on the phone. My cellphone rang its message.

                “Hey, how are you? Is it bad to wait for this message?” asked him there in the message.

                “I’m fine. Yeah, I’m not going to lie to say it isn’t so. Two weeks is even too long,” replied me there.

                “Well, we’ll still be in touch here. Bye now,” wrote him there.

                “Sure. I’ll wait. Bye,” told me.

                I brought my cellphone to the back-yard. It was a bright night with stars. They looked beautiful. I got a message again from him.

                “Khris, I name a bright star. That’s Khris!” said him there.

                “Really? I’m in back-yard!” told me.

                “How’s that? Do you see it? The brightest one,” asked him there.

                “Yeah, it’s really beautiful, Bran!” answered me.

                We talked about the stars above. The night was getting darker.

                “I think it’s good to keep in touch with Gtalk. I’ll wait. See you!” told me then.

                “Yeah, lock the window! It seemed very windy. Bye!” replied him.

                I thought we might miss the days without each other, but that was still sweet moment to spend on Gtalk. We’re back to our own track. We’d always be happy lived the days by until we knew we’re not that into each other, but we still worked on it.  

I Just Wanna Dance

                We’re just busy about or works. James Valko and I, Khrisma spent a little time after works. We’re in a bazaar. It’s quite crowded here. We sat on a bench around there after bought a paper bag of pastries and two plastic glasses of coffee. It’s a little rainy.

                “Huh, it’s getting colder here,” told me.

                “It will rain. Let’s look around if there’s a shelter!” said him.

                We moved to the shelter near the market. His hand covered my head. We sat there and drank coffee.

                “There’s nobody around here. I have learnt waltz. Just three days course. I just wanna dance. Would you dance with me, Jamie?” asked me, put the paper bag, my plastic glass of coffee and his on the shelter’s seat.

                “Yeah, sure, Khris!” replied him, wide-opened his arms.

                We danced waltz. My head leaned on his chest. It’s not too cold anymore, even the rain’s getting harder. We’re in a sense of affection. The waltz beats won’t tell a lie. We let that fire burned, then melted in our holds.

The “E” Part Was Found! How About Going to A Party?

I never heard those words of mouth before. Ones who finally found someone he liked a lot a long time before they met to each other, might be his perfect match. Sadly, I heard that someone who was found had to live her life with her match’s inner circle for that many given time, separated from her match. Who cares?    

            The “E” part was found. Yes, those echoes. Mickey Mouse even squeaked them louder. “Pick the one you love a lot when you really need him! OK, double it! Pick one of those two, the one you love a lot? Or the one you need that much?”

            No-huh! I didn’t want to pick any of them. I preferred to choose to be quiet. Looked around and went away. What to think more? How about going to a party?    

            I met a hearted American man. He’s cool that way without any smart phone in his palm of hands as I always saw around the office building. His hands are folded to each other. I was glad he didn’t realize about those echoes phenomenon.

            It’s 12.24 and I really needed to have lunch. It’s 36 degree of starving escalation. I moved around Kuningan. It’s great to have chili boiled noodles and classic coffee. I chased an empty seat. I sat on two-seat of one table.   

            Ha-ha! I saw that same hearted American man. He’s about 40 years old. He sat exactly at the front of a huge screen. We’re separated by ten tables. He watched that TV show seriously. He said something loudly to another expatriate beside him. It seemed they had known each other. They might be friends. Wow, again I met researchers!

            “It’s a great day to watch TV show. I’m idle today,” told him.

            “Yeah, World Cup is always a trending topic. Let’s enjoy it!” replied his friend.

            “Please welcome Germany! I think I’m going to miss it. I must eat these faster.” I whispered and told my support to Germany football team.

            Yup, they didn’t listened what I said. I didn’t bring those echoes. Thank God! I really wanted to check if I could listen to what they whispered, but I didn’t have much time.    

            Those volatile, unpredictable and complex variable matters of work-life balance made us believe that everything has changed. He looked pretty cool, not really a workaholic. Me myself, I wasn’t really sure if I could be a workaholic doing my job as an insurance marketer. Should we be workaholics when it’s all been said and done? We just had never felt satisfy and it’s enough.    

            Your ex-clients might be a workaholic because they fear losing their job; because they desperately need a distraction from their personal life; or because they’re running away from family complications. Never ask the reason, as it’s none of your business—but do offer an ear to your partners at work. Tell them that if they need someone to talk to, you’d be happy to listen.

            I just guessed what I wanted to do. The time bomb of lunch time limit clicked its tic-tac needles. I’d got to go. Until we meet again, hearted American man!